|—||Abbie Nielsen, Dear Future Daughter (via octobermoe)|
HOW DO PEOPLE FALL ASLEEP SO FAST I DON’T UNDERSTAND I HAVE TO CREATE AND ACT OUT A WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE LENGTH STORY IN MY HEAD AND THEN CONTEMPLATE THE MEANING OF LIFE BEFORE I EVEN FEEL TIRED AND THIS BITCH STARTS SNORING IN TWO MINUTES
YA’LL WANNA SEE WHAT A “REAL FAN” LOOKS LIKE
CUZ THERE’S ONE STANDING IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO DEFINE WHAT A “REAL FAN” IS
WHAT MAKES ONE FAN MORE “REAL” THAN ANOTHER
MINE KEEPS ME QUITE COOL IN THE SUMMER MONTHS
He keeps her cool.
She blows him away.
my greatest dream is to swim in an ocean of orange soda. it is a fanta sea.
REALLY just wanna take this chance to remind the people who follow me to not kill/trap opossums if they’re in your yard, and do not call animal control! Seriously.
- Opossums are literally 100% BIOLOGICALLY INCAPABLE of carrying rabies. Their body temperature is too cool to incubate it properly.
- Opossums are actually quite gentle and NOCTURNAL, so if they’re roaming, they’ve probably gotten lost, been injured, and are looking for a place to hide.
- Young opossums tend to try to climb into garbage cans when they’re starving. This is because THEY ARE LITERALLY STARVING. Don’t fucking shoot them or hit them with things because you wanna be some fucking macho top-of-the-food-chain cocksucker.
- Mama possums are amazing mothers and if you encounter an “aggressive” opossum, it’s probably because she’s got babies hanging off her nipple and she’s freaking out. They’re clumsy. Sometimes they don’t hear you coming and you catch each other off guard.
- Wanna lure an opossum off of your property? You can set up a box with some greens and cat kibble in it, hide it well, and lure them out that way. They’re actually quite harmless and keep other predators away. they eat lotsa gross stuff.
- Opossum mamas who get hit by cars often still have their helpless babies attached to them. Possums get a bad rep and people say they are “the dumbest animal”, but they are incredible creatures who have been around since the days of fucking dinosaurs so treat them well, okay?
i think i found the only acceptable way to use surprise bitch in 2014
i express my emotions in long groans at different octaves
I’m just a needy piece of shit that needs constant reassurance that I’m wanted
i want to write the kind of short stories you read in english class that are on this weird level of surrealism that they still haunt you years down the road
in year 10 i wrote a story and when i got it back my teacher told me he couldnt sleep properly after reading it
please publish that story
what if u could put ppl on vibrate like phones so instead of talking 2 u they would just shake
mother: is it a boy or a girl?
doctor: *puts baby between teeth* it’s a metaphor